The I Statement

Lets talk about psychology’s favorite buzzword, second after “Trauma”…

Attachment!

Attachment may be discussed in psychology, but I believe it has a root in spirituality.

So we can all agree that spirituality is a journey within oneself and well… attachment with others begins within yourself.

So for those of you who don’t like block quotes, this basically says that when people feel safe with their partners, they feel safe enough to take care of themselves and feel more able to take on the world.

That might be the relationship way to see it, BUT here is another way to see this: When you feel safe enough WITHIN YOU (you meet your own needs), you not only become safe enough to take care of yourself, but you become secure enough to handle anything and everything.

What are the results of meeting your own needs?

You’re better able to handle your partner’s needs, stress, feedback.

You’re able to tolerate separations better.

Secure self-attachment produces secure attachment with others.

Take a look at this post by Dr. LePera. It was eye opening.

Historically, because of my childhood trauma, I have previously had anxious and ambivalent attachment styles with MOST of my partners.

I had depended on the other person to help me feel safe enough to then develop secure attachment with them. ^{This is a very exhausting way to live. 10/10 DO NOT recommend.}

But it is only in the last year (after dating for like 10 years) that I started honing in on attachment within MYSELF first. (Better late than never, I guess!)

So how does that look like? What exactly is attachment within yourself?

Secure attachment with yourself is the ability to have dialogue with yourself, reflect upon yourself, your needs, your actions, your motivations, as well as welcome in new information and not have that trigger coping mechanisms of avoidance, shame, criticism, or fear.

Take this example: Have you ever felt like you did something embarrassing or wrong?

What is your internal reaction to hearing that? Maybe shame? fear of abandonment? Insecure?

I’m about to call myself out here but people like me who have had insecure attachment within themselves, don’t have an internal dialogue voice that they can go to for help.

They don’t self-soothe or make themselves feel better.

They aren’t able to accept criticism or statement of needs from others without hearing “You’re not good enough” and fearing abandonment.

Heavy and hard feelings make people with insecure attachment with themselves run for the hills towards other coping mechanisms to AVOID the work of facing these negative feelings and making themselves feel safe.

Sometimes they may run to other people, and hope they can make them feel safe — Because at home, in yourself, there is no support system.

Someone with secure attachment within themselves is able to tolerate this because they have an established foundation that they are there for themselves for anything that occurs in their internal world.

They don’t resort to internal coping mechanisms of avoidance, denial, or immediately trust feelings of shame, criticism or fear whenever big feelings show up.

They feel like they have a good sound board within to have a conversation, remain level headed and integrated as a solid unit instead of splitting.

Self-attachment is basically your method of keeping yourself feeling safe and supported.

Attachment after all is how we relate to others. It makes sense that we also have a way of relating with ourselves.

And the reason I say this is spiritual is because this is ALL done from within first.

This dialogue where you talk to yourself? It’s a spiritual one.

Those processes of visualization and self-soothing? All spiritual.

Focusing on growing your own secure attachment is so important to your development as a human on this earth, which is a spiritual path.

For you to reach your highest potential, you have to learn to talk to yourself like your best friend, support yourself like your partner, and trust yourself like you would any solid relationship.

How did I begin working on this?

Well, you develop what it takes to develop a good relationship with anyone, in this case yourself: Trust, communication, and unconditional acceptance.

I love a good list, and since we are in VIRGO season, why the hell not??

1. Learn to see yourself as a person in the room.

   I started by understanding that I was running to partners to make me feel safe, when I was also a viable option and actually the best option for this! Trauma disconnects you from yourself. It sounds weird but you learn to not see yourself as a person in the room. You’re so focused on survival, you forget you’re even a part of the world. For weeks, I did this meditation that involved me seeing myself as a person in the room from a third perspective.

   This absolutely helped.

2. Constantly having good conversations with yourself.

   When I was starting and even now, I choose every day to have conversations with myself. Every day, I check in with myself and ask how I’m doing.

   When I am feeling hot emotions, I check in with myself and ask what’s wrong.

   I do a lot of parts work as well, which is a great way to integrate different inner children in yourself and get to know them all.

3.  Genuinely learn your own needs — And then meet them.

   The funny thing is, there isn’t ONE thing you need. Multiple parts of you want different things.

   One part of you wants to go out and live in a van.

   Another part of you wants kids.

   Another part of you is scared you’re hopeless because you can’t cook rice right.

   And another part of you wants to literally just not be alone ever.

   Learn to recognize parts when they come up.

   Talk to them, get to know them, and in any way you can, work with them to get needs met in healthy ways.

4. Accept the job of caring for yourself.

   Safety starts with trust. If you do what is good for you, you earn your own trust.

   If you learn to listen to yourself and validate your feelings, you earn your own trust.

   It is that simple.

   It comes down to understanding that in the same exact way that you would view a friend who is flaky as unreliable, the same happens with you when you abandon ship on your hard emotions, or not meeting your own needs.

   Accept this job to take care of YOU. It is a decision, just like showering, that you make daily.

   I hope you found this insightful and that it gave you food for thought.

   Till later my friend!